Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.

I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff

What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?

Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right

Him: Can you turn on the wifi?

Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*

The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence

These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.

Gonna tell my dentist that if I’m late, he should start without me.

[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsense

me: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: no

me: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT

If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.

Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*

Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*

How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?

me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine

Jepfpf: no I haven’t

Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me

I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.

Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶

*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank

Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy

[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it

When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction

DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes

6: I’m done.

Me: you didn’t even touch your food!

6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*

The Sass is strong with this one

*watching movie with demon killer clown*

Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom

me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?

woman holding urn full of ashes:

[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]

A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”

MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.

[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!

Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.

Dear Captchas,

I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid

hey i noticed you’re not saying what i want