My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
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Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
Peace was never an option
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
The most extraordinary thing has just occurred to me.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho