My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
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I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
Two sheep walk into a baaaaa.
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto