my love language is being sent money
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Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
me after eating Cheetos
I got soap in my shower beer again.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
Always the vampires
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
Animal poetry
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
I grilled a bunch of elk meat before my buddy told me,
“You’re making a big moose steak.”
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
McDonald’s should put a nativity scene in all their restaurants in December.
Call it the McCrib
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years