My love language is deader than Latin
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No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
just rewatched Texas Chainsaw Massacre and it has NOT AGED WELL. First off, murdering people with a chainsaw is literally illegal,
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
Black Friday “markdowns” like
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
Made a mistake at work and my supervisor was like, “this is magical” so I said “ta-da!” and they laughed and this is how I will be announcing all of my mistakes from now on.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on