Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Casual: Rob a bank

Fancy: Robert a bank

Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”

Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?

[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were here

Domino’s : we said 30 min or less

accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would

In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”

What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?

Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.

Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.

Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.

Boss: Thought she died last month?

Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.

[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.

if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing

I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.

-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV

[In Bed]

Her: You feeling spicy tonight?

Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.

Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES

Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date

Blind Date: WHAT

Me: Kind of like a big raisin

the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else

If practice makes perfect then I should really know what to do with my arms by now, when trying to sleep

Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.

Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.

[Hospital]

New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.

New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.

New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.

Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….

[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in

therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see

me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face

therapist: please take this seriously.

me: ok it’s a car

therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/

ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.

SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS

Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.

My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.

Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?

5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”

*At the local breakfast restaurant

Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?

Me: Reese’s

Alexa, put me to sleep

“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”

okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS

Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.

But I don’t like to point fingers.