Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside

*45 minutes later*

She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead

Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy

ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you

SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT

Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:

“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”

“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”

“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”

you gotta be faster

I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door

People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.

If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.

Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?

NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??

We’re having leftover pizza.

My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero

putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler

I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity

[first day as a botany professor]

me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?

student: to reproduce?

me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically

Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.

[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]

the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions

Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.

INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?

ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?

INTERVIEWER: holy shit

every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well

Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.

My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭

Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?

when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice

I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days

We are dating

Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad

Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues

“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS

Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.

You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?