my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
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HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
Revenge is a dish best served by cutting a sandwich horizontally instead of diagonally
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
(Arrives at Topgolf bay for date night)
Wife: have you registered here before?
Matrix: idk, put my email in.
(“Osama bin Golfin” pops up on the screen)
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
It’s always “you’re so cute when you’re mad,” until the house is on fire.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?