My love language is hissing.
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Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
that lip filler tho
This is my favorite one of these!
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me