My love language is hissing.
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Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
I look at how fast my boys are growing and sometimes feel sad at the thought of them moving out some day. Which immediately turns into anxiety as I think “but what if they never move out?”
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
I try not to tweet when I’m happy…because I respect you guys and what we do here.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
The invention of fish in the early 1900’s was the best thing to ever happen to the tartar sauce industry.
The kid next to me on the flight sang we don’t talk about bruno pretty much the entire time and had the audacity to keep calling me mom
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days