My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
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Sparkling homunculus??????? 🤣🤣🤣
My boss was bemoaning the fact that he couldn’t seem to quit smoking.
I said, “Are you’re addicted?”
He said, “Yeah, obviously.”
I said, “Do other people know you’re addicted?”
“Probably everyone knows.”
My coworkers were all struggling not to laugh, because his name is Ted.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!
Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?
Me: why…did it sneeze?
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.
If reports from this daisy are accurate, she loves me not.
I could never work in an aquarium I would have a penguin under my shirt at the end of the shift
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
Booked a non-refundable train ticket, sadly had to cancel the trip. Accepted I would lose the train fare. As luck would have it the train I was due to travel on got cancelled. So applied for a refund even though I’d no intention of travelling. It’s the small wins.
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
Excuse me sir, are you going to finish that existential crisis?