My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
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“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
My wife’s leftover meatloaf just growled at me and ran under the fridge …. now I’m scared.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
you’re an adult – don’t let anyone ruin your life and peace. You can do that shit on your own.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)