my lower back watching me try to live my life
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This line from Airplane.
Fun Fact:
Cat burglars have the highest recidivism of any criminal. As soon as they get out of prison, they want back in. And back out, and back in, and back out…
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
#Caturday
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
Chatting to an old couple there going to Majorca. He was so upset. Said he wished he’d brought his piano with him. I explained that it wouldn’t go in the hold and that he’d be back soon enough. He said he understood that, but he’d left their tickets and passports on it.