my lower back watching me try to live my life
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The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
My kid invented a game but told me it was too complicated and I wouldn’t understand. Reader, he is throwing a stuffed animal repeatedly in the air and catching it
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
Watson was Holmes schooled
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
Me: I brought hay, but I don’t think I can fit much inside me.
HR: Did… did you think we were hiring an assistant manger?
If we start dating now, we could be feeding each other deviled eggs on Thanksgiving, and breaking up before we have to exchange gifts for Christmas.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented