my lower back watching me try to live my life
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A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
I was visiting my parents yesterday and found this. I’m their only child.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
this is me
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Damnit Dave can’t you keep a secret?
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
I’m making fish cakes covered in breadcrumbs. I’ve never been covered in breadcrumbs before, never mind made fish cakes.
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”