Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.

My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.

According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.

Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.

Dear Televised Sports Injury,

We saw it the first time.

Thanks.

I took biscuits with me on a date once.

She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.

Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex

Got an annoying neighbour? Leave a note on their car: “Sorry about the damage, but I’ve patched it up so you probably can’t even see it.”

Him: So tell me something about yourself.

Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.

Him: What?

Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.

today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey

Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?

Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.

Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad

I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.

Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”

[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS

KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal

Me: Family?

An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.

I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.

Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month

1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!

academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you

Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.

Me: Isn’t it fun?

Brushing my daughter’s hair

Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.

*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*

~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids

[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…

fish: yeah this happens a lot

[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.

Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is

Me: *stands on one leg*

My flamenco teacher: No.