Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear rock bands,

If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.

I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.

Jumps into shower

Shower : I have a boyfriend

I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.

Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.

*at the confessional

Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’

Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’

What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?

Icy dead people…

Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,

“You cannot park there”

“It’s not my car”

“You have to move it”

“It’s not my car”

“Move it or get a fine”

“It’s not my car”

Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”

“It’s not my car”

[At Justice League headquarters]

Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?

Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]

The Flash: [runs to the ATM]

Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]

Batman: WTF dude

Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.

4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?

Me:

4: Mom???

Me: What the f-

4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?

Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!

me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?

dentist: how are you talking out your nose

I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.

me: did you hear chappell roan sold out. she’s an industry plant. she’s a nepo

my wife: the baby’s crying

me: as he should be. it’s upsetting

Dog politely drops hints that he’s interested in walking..🐕🐾😅

“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly

Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.

My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.

Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!

Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!

i overpaid one of my credit cards by $20, and now they keep tryna send me cheques and begging me to cash it cause now THEY owe ME interest. I don’t think so queen, let’s see how YOU like it

Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man

I had two werewolves inside me, but I lost them both, so now I have wherewolves

My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters

introducing two cats is tedium. not interested in your dumb politics just lick each other and be normal already

I’ve been reading a book about Orville and Wilbur Wright but, frankly, I’m not that impressed. The author is speculating as to why the brothers never got married. Of course they never got married, they were brothers? Idiot

[at lunch with friend]

Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.

Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?

Friend: Exactly *winks*

Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”

SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me

My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.

I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.

And they are appalled.