My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
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The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
KNOCK KNOCK!
Who’s there?
*Note appears through letterbox* “We tried to deliver your parcel…”
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
Covert ops
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.