Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.

Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.

The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses

I think young people aren’t hooking up as much bc you can watch videos on your phone now anywhere. In my day you had to ask someone to go back to your room to watch a funny video on your laptop. Then you watched all 6 funny videos on YouTube and were like “I guess we could kiss?”

The 5 most important things to teach my kids:

1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count

I stopped carrying a grudge

Weigh me now

Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!

There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.

Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…

Dance like no one’s going to press charges.

Nostalgia isn’t as good as it used to be.

the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times

marketing people:

I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.

wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you

Dr Frankenstein: he has a name

wife: DOES HE

10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏

Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”

ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you

CONTESTANT: thank you

ME, SWEATING:

TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that

Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon

I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds

A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.

I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.

[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys

(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.

Interviewer: why do u want to work here

me: revenge

I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.

i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic

*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*

Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.

Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*

If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”

Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.

if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.

When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.