[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
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Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*