My mail carrier dressed up as a dog with a postman biting his leg is the best thing I’ve seen today.
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At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
“I’ve recently come into some money.”
*winks and hands over the few dollars I made at my garage sale to the bank teller to deposit into my account*
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
im so bored im gonna join a poly relationship and stage a coup and kick the main one out
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
You have two wolves inside you.
Should have ordered an appetizer.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023