My mail carrier dressed up as a dog with a postman biting his leg is the best thing I’ve seen today.
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Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
Can’t believe I ruined my diet again, went over by one gram of uranium (18 million calories)
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.