My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
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When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.