My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
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FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Picking up women at the bar and then gently setting them down
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
If we all just agree, this could be a 3 day weekend too
Morning all.
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!