My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
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I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
Her: I went line dancing last night..
Me: It was roadside sobriety check karen
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
Excel is weird because you never know you aren’t that good at it, until you are asked to do something you’ve never heard of
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters