My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
You Might Also Like
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
Good morning.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”