Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.

I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium

Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.

interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?

me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming

interviewer: no screaming

me: then it’s my calm demeanor

Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.

Me: I’d like my money back.

What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?

One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….

Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it

My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”

Don’t you want this to be easier for you?

-Gangster – level 3

Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.

Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:

Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?

15: good

Starting your most incoherent sentence with “put simply” to deflect blame onto the reader

When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.

FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?

ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it

You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.

Seductively rubs salt in your wound.

All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner

[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide

How to ruin your kids day:

1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock

I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?

ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.

Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.

Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.

The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.

Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”

Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?

Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.

“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”

– Call Center Training

Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.

me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait

*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*