My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
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My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
Windchimes
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
How it started: How it’s going:
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.