My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
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Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
I hate when that happens.
