My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
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how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
Hear me out: WrestleVania
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.