Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey

aura

You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet.  I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.

turtles are just lizards who work in construction

6: that’s none of your business

4: it IS my business

6:

4: what does business mean

GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people

It finally happened, someone filming for their man on the street interview tiktok series at washington square park accidentally approached another person there trying to film a man on the street interview tiktok series

Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.

There are really only two seasons:

soup
salad

Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.

{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.

Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.

We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.

*eating freshly baked cookies*

4: I want lots more!

Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache

4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!

*bugs bunny*

bunny: stop bothering me

When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”

This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.

Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*

My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.

Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )

I have the attention of a goldfish.

Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.

cat: i brought you this dead mouse

me: no thanks

cat: then please accept this barf

me: i will not

cat: am i displeasing you?

me: absolutely

cat: [eyes narrow] good

I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal

My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock

“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”

“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”

“Perfect.”

Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.

No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.

work smarter, not harder

[on a date with a houseplant]

Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.

Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light

“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants