My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
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Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
the Monday after daylight savings
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.