Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”

Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.

i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”

Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants

[Therapist’s Waiting Room]

ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you

WIFE: yup

ME: I knew it!

BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*

AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*

Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.

1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.

2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.

damn he’s good

Go gym

i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.

🙉🙈🙊

My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.

My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.

So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.

I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?

stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.

STOP MAKING IT WEIRD

The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.

I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.

What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?

I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.

There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.

Normalize the Christmas piñata so you can “miss” and whack Uncle Frank who’s being a dickwad.

Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns

Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?

Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley

The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor

I don’t think I will be asked to make a curry again 🤣🤣🤣

If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.

@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck

Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.