My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
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The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
Bring back the McRib
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*