My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
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6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
“Worm Regards”
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”