My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
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Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
Current mood: Potato
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
It’s awesome when people honk at you for not moving when you’re letting people cross. You’re right bro I should just annihilate this family of four
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
This is always good for a laugh.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children