Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.

I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here

Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?

I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.

11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!

*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*

Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?

Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.

Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.

This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now

I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.

1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.

I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.

I’m just a girl

Hiding under a bed

Hoping his wife leaves soon

Again

[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?

“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time

If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.

Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.

Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]

Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go

I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.

At some point, we need to be conscious of what kind of world we’re leaving behind for our limited edition beanie babies.

them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear

alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo

*distant roar*

alexander hamilton: wait.

writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong

writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth

Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either

She said she was a cat person…

…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.

Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold

I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.

Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”

When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…

I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.

Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.