Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years

As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.

If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.

But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES

I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.

Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.

I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.

A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress

[in bed]

HER: talk dirty to me

ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway

HER: I meant-

ME: I use a rat as a loofa

wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t

[Afterlife]

Bird 1: All he had was one rock.

Bird 2: His aim was perfection.

This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.

Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.

But like, scarily. Or whatever.

I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.

They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.

is she “spiritual” or does she just really like rocks?

me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?

him: no, cash only

“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.

Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.

The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.

Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶

Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*

NINE MONTHS LATER

*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes

bragging about how I’ve “really turned my life around recently” without mentioning in which direction

Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.

I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.

My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.

Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15

“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”

As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.

He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.

I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.