My man let the intrusive thoughts win 😅
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Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
Which demographic buys the most barbies?
Australian fathers
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.