My man let the intrusive thoughts win 😅
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My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
I’ve discovered that books are not donuts.
If you make a donut & someone buys it & likes it, they may buy another donut tomorrow.
If you write a book & someone buys it & likes it, they will not buy another copy the next day.
This is the flaw of books or the advantage of donuts
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.