My man let the intrusive thoughts win 😅
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Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
My birthstone is pecan pie.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*