My man let the intrusive thoughts win 😅
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Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
they should invent a hydrating liquor
I bet
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
i can’t wait that long
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.
drew a comic about my origin story
Spell check is for lasers.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by