My man let the intrusive thoughts win 😅
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*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
That sound when you close the cupboard and hear something fall inside.. that’s the sound of somebody else’s problem.
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
[On the phone]
Friend: I have news. Are you sitting down?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.