My man let the intrusive thoughts win 😅
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dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
Waking up has backfired on me so many times
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.