My man let the intrusive thoughts win 😅
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My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
Ghosts can’t cut or color their hair; hence they’re supernatural
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
At my last colonoscopy I had the doctor write a note to my wife stating that my head was NOT up there…
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.