Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex

Me: Yeah

Gf: I’m having twins

Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies

ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?

WIFE: Inverted?

ME: No, in English Sharon.

There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.

me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02

me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06

me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28

My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera

Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.

[god creating hotdogs]

inflate that worm

Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space

No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.

I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.

i was dropped as an adult

Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.

Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean

4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.

I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome

Text:

Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.

Her: K

You: My kid loves piano

My kid: *licking the piano keys*

Me: Same

*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*

Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”

best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival

no one ever comes back

why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”

My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.

I guess she doesn’t remember me.

me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow

Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.

😎 🍻

The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.

Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.

quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job

Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…