My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
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My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
Instead of killing yourself or a sherpa trying to climb Everest, you can just tell people that you successfully summited.
Much easier and safer
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.