My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
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Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
My bad habits got renewed for another season.
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…