My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
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Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
Me: Super size it!
Pharmacist: No.
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
The best years of my life were ages 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, and 31.
I was in my prime.
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
I lost my job at NASA Mission Control today. I misheard when they said, “It’s lunch time.”
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts