Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[hotel]

me: do you offer turndown service

concierge: sorry no

me: thank you

My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.

huge valentines day plans this year!!

If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.

The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra

[crime scene]

Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.

Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.

Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.

With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.

So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.

When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.

Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers

Best part about marriage?

NO MORE CONDOMS!!!

Worst part about marriage?

No more sex.

Jesus: Time for a miracle!

Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch

Jesus:

Puritan:

Jesus: who likes fish

NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits

If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.

Twitter: hey, check out this picture of an Australian golfer accidentally hitting a kangaroo

Me: lol *like*

Twitter: so what I’m getting from this is you want your whole feed to be Australian golf news

Me: n-

Twitter: poor showing today from Sergio Clemsworth, hitting +2 at

“Okay Nancy, try it now.”

“I never trust anything from the government!”

*uses highways

wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die

“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”

TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.

The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.

[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”

*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE

[mall]

Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.

*looks in purse*

*waves at testicles*

Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!

Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?

Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.

[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn

…u ok Nintendo?

I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.

Be brave. Tell your boss “I don’t think we are quite there yet” when he uses your first name.

This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.

What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best