My manifesto is mostly just pizza topping ideas.
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Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
Did 900 crunches today. It was a bag of Cheetos, but still.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
🤭😂
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
Me: teachers have a hard job, stop treating them as babysitters.
also me when school resumes in the fall: OH THANK GOD
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that