My manifesto is mostly just pizza topping ideas.
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Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
i feel like we’re on like the 50th or 60th horseman of the apocalypse by now
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
Oops I deleted….
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
Hey man, just wanted to reach out and say I loved how much you drank at my wedding last night
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
My wife was doing her morning crossword and asked…
“Where is Dakar” And I answered… “in da garage”.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
ok hear me out: Luigiana
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond