Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.

One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.

Job interview with the NSA

Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!

My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.

Kid: Hey Mom.

Me: I’m asleep.

Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?

Me: I’M AWAKE.

I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.

K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?

Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…

[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop

Dead animal names:

A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon

Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.

Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.

Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.

KFC hitting the cannibal market

[Studying for his history test]

10: I wish I was born in the 1800s

Me: Why?

10: I’d have less history to learn

I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.

Being Tall:

Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.

Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*

*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.

The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.

Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH

well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.

DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.

Me: *clapping enthusiastically*

You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho

Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds

As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.

Parenting’s First Law of Physics:

An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.

MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again

I’m not a 10, I’m more like two 5s stuck together with melted cheese

i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain

I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.