My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
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FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
August 8
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
Hero horse inspires millions
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
The massive row between me and my wife at her cousin’s wedding was actually staged because I needed to leave early for a work thing, and she wanted to get back at her cousin for getting engaged at our wedding.
So proud of my daughter for getting the lead role in The Tempest. Today’s performances will be during homework and bedtime.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
“the best laid plans of mice & men oft go astray” sure but i bet mice are bringing down the average
Who would have thought that eating 4 cans of beans would backfire like this?
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?