Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.

Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”

Such bad timing that me having the menopause coincided with everyone suddenly breathing really loudly

I love using food in the bedroom!

But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…

I mayo may not.

This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.

The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.

Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.

*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”

My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.

ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.

HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?

ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*

If you play The Grinch backward, his heart shrinks after interacting with people and that’s a lot more accurate.

Me: When do you install the lasers?

Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…

Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?

To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.

I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.

I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.

They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.

With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.

Tried to make a friendly comment about how I liked my neighbor’s very autumnal outfit, but I swerved too hard into friendliness, soared past over-familiarity, and landed on the arguably hostile “well if it isn’t Mr. Fall”

I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:

dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese

i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”

The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?

All of your holes are looking great

– Croctologists

My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.

PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes

[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal

My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.

I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet

Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*

It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!

Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?

Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?