My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
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I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
KFC hitting the cannibal market
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
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Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.