My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
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Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
Twitter remains undefeated
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
umm…
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
The 6yo neighbor kid looked inside and said, “whoa your house is way different than mine” and I’m going to need him to come back and elaborate
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
Body: it’s sleepy time.
Brain: it’s thinky time.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
There’s something I really need to get off my chest tonight
Throws bra on the floor
I feel much better
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.