My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
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Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
step 6: release the wall snake
When I’m forced to visit people I don’t like I find a way to sneak their peanut butter into their fridge
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
I am laughing way too hard at this.
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
You’d think a philharmonic orchestra would have at least one harmonica, but nope.