My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
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“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.