Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup

WAITER: Yes

ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup

WAITER: Yes

ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world

WAITER: Yes

ME: My compliments to the chef

Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.

You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.

Shots it is!

The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.

Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?

*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*

The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.

peak technology

The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers

My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.

I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.

Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.

My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover

My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.

What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?

I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.

This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far

[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

GUY: But why, pacifically?

ME: Ok I’ve made my choice

My garden backs on to railways. About 10 years ago the fences were falling down, complained to network rail who did nothing. In the end, the whole bit of our street got together and put up new fence ourselves. 30 feet back into their land. They’ve never noticed.

[1st person to try jogging]

Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?

Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.

Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!

Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided

one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy

Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?

Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.

If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.

Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.

Asian gangs, also known as study groups..

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?

ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.

“WyD oN HallOwEeN?”

workin bro its a thursday

[Bar]

Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.

Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.