Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*

Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!

Schools: Children need consistency and routine

Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie

When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk

Optometrist: better or worse

Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse

My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon

In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.

~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.

I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.

So how many people have you murdered?

this one is dumb but worth the zoom-in, i swear

My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on

“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”

Them: Holy shit. How high are you?

Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.

Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger

Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.

Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?

I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.

The eclipse was like April fools for birds

Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits

[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin

I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.

Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?

God: Yes.

Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?

God: Horizontal Pupils

Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*

God: YouTube is gonna love you.

Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”

you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly

What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food

I hope Biden just starts announcing Executive Orders in his speech:

“And next…my dog gets to bite anyone he wants and afterward you have to say “thank you, Commander”

Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!

I win.

ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful

HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was

ME: ok now i’m bummed again

It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”

Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.

So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet

{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.

idk flipping houses looks really hard