Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia

My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today

Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman

St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.

My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.

Guess who came crawling back.

Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.

Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”

The Salad:

in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down

The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.

I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen

my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot

Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.

My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling

Big scare this afternoon. Was asked to identify a body at the Coroner’s Office after an accident involving the rotors of a helicopter. As you can imagine, I was so relieved it wasn’t Bob from ground crew. Bob had a head

The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.

Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.

[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second

never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them

My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.

I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.

Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.

“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.

Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.

How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?

“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”

Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea

fr

[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons

My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”

And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.

Wife: what’d you do after work?

Me: I may have taken a nap

Wife: you may have or you did?

Me: I may have did

My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…

Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.