My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
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So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
Otters see a butterfly.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood