My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
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Missionary, so we can keep arguing
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
I never give second chances, just 45 and then goodbye
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that