My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
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Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
Lord, the restaurants you put on this earth to provide noontime sustenance are advertising $17 lunch specials
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash