My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
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The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
Gwyneth Paltrow I received the message you sent me last night in my dream and will proceed with the plan
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
Jurassic park gets weird