My medical alert bracelet says, “You can’t kill her. We’ve already tried. Like 7 times”
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Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
A Harris-Walz ticket would be a disaster for proper usage of apostrophes in this country.
when i worked in an office i had an ’emergency google sheet’ that i kept open in a tab all day and if my boss walked by i’d switch to it from twitter and enter 69s and 420s in its cells with a look of great seriousness on my face
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro
The way this guy who wants today’s newspaper is low-key gonna find the guy in the branch who currently has today’s newspaper even if he has to search every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse to do it
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors