My medical alert bracelet says, “You can’t kill her. We’ve already tried. Like 7 times”
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ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
A short story about romance.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.