My medical alert bracelet says, “You can’t kill her. We’ve already tried. Like 7 times”
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*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
If we all just agree, this could be a 3 day weekend too
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”